Would That You Could Feel What I Feel

I don’t know how to explain the huge chasm I feel between myself and ‘normal’ people.  I really, really don’t believe in fantastic or magical thinking.  I am a firm believer in reality testing; the facts on the ground.

When a well-meaning female individual tells me I can have what they have if I just keep trying, I want to laugh hysterically and at the same time sob with a despair so deep that no one can possibly feel it.  I cannot have what other women have because I am not other women.  I am simply myself, a transsexual woman.  It takes a special person to endure the looks, the stares, the bias, the reactions, the remarks, and sometimes the attacks, to be with me.

Do you really think there is anyone out there like that?

An acquaintance of mine tells me that I can have companionship like she has in her life.  I can have love and security and a fulfilling relationship.  I know she means well, but I just want to tell her to please stop talking that way.  You don’t know what you’re talking about because you don’t live my life.  You don’t get your identity questioned in any activity you choose to do.

You don’t get judged about your gender suitability for companionship.  You can be culturally accepted and go about life without your partner worrying if you’re going to be ‘outed’ or if your gender identity is going to create problems for the partner and their families.  You don’t have to worry about whether your children want to be seen with you or not; or whether it is safe for them to be seen with you.  You don’t have any of those issues.

I realize you have other issues with day-to-day living; issues with relationships; issues with people.  Would that I could have such issues.

For the first time in my life I like who I am.  That is such a huge change from before.  I like the woman I am.  I am happy to be alive and be authentic.  I live in reality.

I love my friends.  I have friends who know me as I am.  I consider that “manna from heaven!”  But companionship is a luxury in a culture that does not understand love and authenticity.  It is a high obstacle that one must be strong enough to surmount.  Very few are that strong.  I do not begrudge them.  I understand.  And I continue onward.

My journey is my own.  No one else can walk it but me.  And I will continue to walk it with a heart fully alive for once, and a touch of rebellion in my soul.

If you want me to have love and companionship how about you step up to the plate?  Would you risk all to love and be with me, a transsexual?  Would you?

Enough already.  You’re my friend, but that’s enough of such talk.

Now, if you don’t mind, I want to go off and sob for a while.

Then I’ll put myself together again and enjoy what I can have, rather than dwell on what I cannot have.

Peace.

- Anonymous

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sir Harold
    Nov 18, 2010 @ 16:23:46

    Oh my God, how I know what you are talking about. I am a transgender gay American man, and in this society… or at least among my peers… I do not believe I have met even a single gay man who would ever even consider building a relationship with me, simply because of the sex characteristics I was born with, and couldnt control. It pains me to no end… people ‘play the game of love’ and do it so superfluously that I wonder whether they appreciate it at all that they can be so easily in relationships!

    I can only hope that in ten, maybe twenty years, I can find someone mature enough to love me as a companion, not only despite my being different but because I am this unique creature that I am. I believe that on this huge world, there must be someone who will work to create a lovely lifetime with me. And you know what? I’m betting there is someone out there who will find and love you for you, too; the hardest part is the time it will take.

    Reply

    • helenofpeel
      Nov 18, 2010 @ 21:36:41

      Dear Harold,

      You will find that someone. I am a firm believer. But this time, it will be on your terms, not theirs.

      This time, as I tell myself too, they must be good for you, love you, accept you, and honor you.

      This time, they MUST be GOOD ENOUGH for you.

      This time, they must understand that you have compromised enough in your life and you will not compromise for love.

      You are who you are. And that is more than good enough.

      Peace.

      Reply

  2. penny white
    Nov 18, 2010 @ 18:12:12

    Now you’ve got me sobbing!
    I hope I didn’t sound insensitive when I wrote that you should not give up on romantic love. My girlfriend often has to remind me that I don’t know all that she goes through or feels (I actually didn’t know that “tranny” was an insulting word. I thought it sounded like an endearment).
    You have too much inside not to share with the world. Never think someone would be doing you a favor by “stepping up to the plate.” It is an honor for me to be with my Elena. I thank god every day that she’ll have me. Her being trans is one of the things I love about her – only one – but it informs so much else of who she is.
    I am sending you a HUGE hug and I am sending the link for this blog to Elena. You’ll have her sobbing, too.
    With love…

    Reply

    • helenofpeel
      Nov 18, 2010 @ 21:17:44

      No Elena, you were not insensitive at all. Even I, as a therapist, have my moments when I wonder when culture will start to grow up, when people will not fear what they do not understand, and instead ask questions. I will be so glad to answer.

      I do what I can, each and every day. I am “OUT” and very proud of myself and what I’ve done with my life. And I have the best grown children one could ever ask for.

      But my children call me “Dad.” The pronouns are all correct as in, “SHE is my Dad.” And I am so grateful. So very, very grateful. That was my role in their lives. And I will NOT deny them that truth. To deny the truth denies them my existence and takes away an important aspect of myself from my children.

      So whoever loves me must be okay with that. I am a woman (post-op) and I am a dad. If you cannot accept that, please move along.

      And I have found there are wonderful friends who do accept it. But as far as love goes, well, asking a person to accept their partner as a woman and a dad… let’s just say it is a “bridge too far” for most people.

      But I don’t give up. Life is worth living for me. Love may be out there. Time will tell. But I don’t live for love. I simply live, for the first time in my life, not afraid of myself.

      And for that I am forever grateful.

      Peace.

      Reply

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