I don’t know how to explain the huge chasm I feel between myself and ‘normal’ people. I really, really don’t believe in fantastic or magical thinking. I am a firm believer in reality testing; the facts on the ground.
When a well-meaning female individual tells me I can have what they have if I just keep trying, I want to laugh hysterically and at the same time sob with a despair so deep that no one can possibly feel it. I cannot have what other women have because I am not other women. I am simply myself, a transsexual woman. It takes a special person to endure the looks, the stares, the bias, the reactions, the remarks, and sometimes the attacks, to be with me.
Do you really think there is anyone out there like that?
An acquaintance of mine tells me that I can have companionship like she has in her life. I can have love and security and a fulfilling relationship. I know she means well, but I just want to tell her to please stop talking that way. You don’t know what you’re talking about because you don’t live my life. You don’t get your identity questioned in any activity you choose to do.
You don’t get judged about your gender suitability for companionship. You can be culturally accepted and go about life without your partner worrying if you’re going to be ‘outed’ or if your gender identity is going to create problems for the partner and their families. You don’t have to worry about whether your children want to be seen with you or not; or whether it is safe for them to be seen with you. You don’t have any of those issues.
I realize you have other issues with day-to-day living; issues with relationships; issues with people. Would that I could have such issues.
For the first time in my life I like who I am. That is such a huge change from before. I like the woman I am. I am happy to be alive and be authentic. I live in reality.
I love my friends. I have friends who know me as I am. I consider that “manna from heaven!” But companionship is a luxury in a culture that does not understand love and authenticity. It is a high obstacle that one must be strong enough to surmount. Very few are that strong. I do not begrudge them. I understand. And I continue onward.
My journey is my own. No one else can walk it but me. And I will continue to walk it with a heart fully alive for once, and a touch of rebellion in my soul.
If you want me to have love and companionship how about you step up to the plate? Would you risk all to love and be with me, a transsexual? Would you?
Enough already. You’re my friend, but that’s enough of such talk.
Now, if you don’t mind, I want to go off and sob for a while.
Then I’ll put myself together again and enjoy what I can have, rather than dwell on what I cannot have.